college paper how-to

I recently (a few minutes ago) stumbled upon a webpage detailing how to write a college paper. It quickly becomes clear that these instructions were definitely written after 1971 (when Starbucks was founded) but before 2004 (when Facebook was launched), I’ve decided to create an updated version.

How To Write a Paper in College/University – 2008 Edition

1) Sit in a well lit area
2) Lay out all necessary books/materials
3) Open all relevant websites in tabs in your web browser of choice
4) Open a new browser window and check your email.
5) Check your Facebook to make sure no new messages/tags/pokes/wall posts/comments were received
6) Read your assignment guidelines
7) Go scavenging for a snack
8) Check and see what your roommates/any nearby people are up to
9) Read your assignment guidelines again, possibly start thinking about what you may do for it
10) Check your email; respond accordingly
11) Check your Facebook
12) Google/Wikipedia any random words/topics that you come across
13) Go say hi to your next door neighbors and tell them to watch the Victoria’s Secret fashion show
14) Go have dinner with your next door neighbors, having in-depth conversations about movies, loopholes, and illicit schemes
15) Write the first paragraph of the paper
16) Attempt to solve the Rubik’s cube you haven’t managed to solve in over 2 years
17) Acquire a soda and/or coffee for the caffeine
18) Check your Facebook
19) Write another sentence in your paper
20) Watch the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show
21) Realize that it is now 11pm and that the assignment is due online in less than 59 minutes
22) Check your Facebook
23) Proceed to finish writing your paper in 55 minutes
24) Submit your paper with minutes to spare, due to everyone in your class submitting at the same last second, therefore slowing down system
25) Stay up until all hours of the morning playing video games/reading [for fun]/watching movies/etc
26) Pass out in your earliest class the following morning

Of course, these rules do not hold true for everybody; some people find the need to check their Facebook more often or enlist the use of Facebook chat/AIM to actively keep themselves busy. Or some update their blogs with posts that prove to be highly prophetic. Regardless, I have a programming assignment due at midnight, but first there are some Angels that need seeing to.

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